As markets tumble and Americans panic-buy toilet paper, the president perfects his backswing
April 13, 2025 While the U.S. economy teetered on the brink of becoming a Mario Kart rainbow road of volatility last week, President Trump was busy doing what he does best: winning. Not at trade policy, mind you—but at golf.
The ‘Liberation Day’ That Liberated Everyone’s Savings
On April 2, Trump unveiled his *“liberation day”tariffs, which promised to “free” Americans from affordable imports by slapping 145% levies on Chinese goods and up to 40% on allies like Canada and the EU. The result? Stocks plunged, retirees wept into their IRAs, and one South Carolina man stockpiled piddle-pads for his shih-tzu like it was the apocalypse .
But fear not! The president had a plan: a 90-day “time-out” (because nothing says “stable trade policy” like treating global economics like a toddler’s tantrum). China, however, was excluded from the pause—because, as Trump explained, “They didn’t say sorry.”
Golfing Through the Storm
As economists hyperventilated into paper bags, Trump jetted off to Mar-a-Lago for a Saudi-funded LIV Golf tournament where he reportedly won his club’s senior championship (a feat as statistically likely as a tariff-free iPhone) . Between rounds, he assured Americans, “This is a great time to get rich!” — a statement that baffled everyone except, presumably, the caddie he stiffed on tips.
Meanwhile, his administration scrambled to clarify whether the tariffs were a “bargaining chip” for a new world economic order (dubbed the “Mar-a-Lago Accord”) or just a way to make Canada pay for his golf cart upgrades . Either way, the White House insisted it was “not a trade war” but rather a “trade disagreement sponsored by DraftKings.”
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The Grand Strategy (Or Lack Thereof)
Trump’s economic team claims the tariffs will “restore U.S. manufacturing”, though the only thing being manufactured so far is chaos. Critics argue the plan is less *“Bretton Woods” and more “Bretton Would-You-Please-Stop” . Even Apple’s Tim Cook—who once joked he’d need “football fields of tooling engineers” to make iPhones in the U.S.—is now reportedly scouting locations in Nebraska (population: 12 and a very confused cow) .